can't touch this

Hi.

Its amazing how a few years can makes you looks different eh? For example, my hair and face. Not saying that I've transformed into some beauty queen, maybe I look a little better but still am fat. Hooo.

2011 when I first started growing out my hair

2014 March

Longer hair, much more contoured face(?), wearing specs lol, nicer hair HAHA. I mean I can't deny I look nicer now at 18 years of age(coming). But eventhough my hair is longer, I still tie it up because it's so annoying and it can get soooOOOooo bloody puffy like a lion mane. But nowadays, it's much more tamed eversince I used this Body Shop's serum called Grapeseed serum. It's effective in taming my hair I supposed? It makes it a little bit smoother and non frizzy which I like!

Anyway school is commencing in 24/25 days? Fml, I'm so scared. By the way, I have been skipping daily because I swear to atleast lose this visible fats around my hips and also make my leg toner because skipping obviously helps in that. I also have been feeling this adventurous vibe in me to travel to KL alone since I know how the system works there and how to get around and about. Teehee. But I need to save up money though.

Oh, this thing has been on my mind lately. I'm at that age where I am thinking about my future and who is my soulmate. I don't know why I have this feeling that I'm going to end up alone and single for life. I mean I can't picture myself with anyone ever. I mean sometimes I lust over someone and just playfully picture myself with them but then it poof away. I cannot picture myself falling in love for a long time and then being with someone and getting all cheesy and lovey dovey. I just can't. Eventhough I really wanna experience being in love and also having someone to love me for who I am. I am so scared. I have no idea why. I get irk easily when a guy is in close proximity with me. Just like the other day the coach attendant guy wanted to pull out the table at my inner side seat and it was close to my body so I got a little scared and move away quickly like he was going to touch me or something. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm suffering from some kind of social anxiety or awkwardness? Gah. It's not like I'm scared because I've been hurt by a guy, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP BEFORE ANYWAY. And it's sad how my relatives think I have one when I don't. I feel sad for my future soul mate, because I might make things awkward for him and also make things difficult for us. Sometimes I wish I could be a little natural around people especially guys. I am so shy. I can't even look up to them. I hate myself at times for this.

I'm so scared to fall in love
but at the same time it's a wonderful thing what love can make you feel.

Oh anyway, emergency couple episode 17 is just so heartbreaking because I am rooting for changmin and now he's like giving up for jinhee because he is scared that jinhee would be unhappy with him and that he is holding back the "someone better" for her. It's so sad really to see changmin avoiding jinhee at all cost possible. Thank god it's just a drama. My heart swells so much for changmin.

kbye