Cried a lot today. I feel swollen. I've never cried this hard eversince 2007 which was during Atok's death. Kept crying everytime I think about my result because it's something I did not expect I would get.It's stupid really. Result is a bitch. Even if you put your 100% in that subject, you are still disappointed. And nobody can understand that because I don't know.
But I am happy I did better than expected. I really expected and am so scared I will get 28 points but no minus 10 point from that. I did better. But I was sad. When Mr Kes called me out, I wasn't ready but then I saw an A and was a little bit lighthearted and then suddenly the word "SEVEN" for Maths killed me and my eyes got watery and I lose it. I cried. I mean I feel so sad because that was the only subject I really put my hardwork and studied my ass of but still, it wasn't satisfying. The only subject that I think I would fare better, failed me. I was so disappointed I couldn't even breath while signing the document because my vision was blurred, my breathing got heavier and I just lose it. I didn't look at anything else but just my maths and that was just disappointing. Spent a few minutes sitting there crying my eyeballs out very hard. I couldn't contain it. Then I went to the washroom to clear myself up because I feel messy from all the crying. But upon entering and seeing the state I'm in and visualizing the letter "SEVEN" on my result slip, I get disappointed again and I cried again. It sucks really. But yeah managed to ease myself and went out and there everybody was crying. I was already okay but then Mdm Hamidah was there and she was asking whose result slip was on the floor and I said it was me and then she asked whether I was okay and asked me to not give up something like that. I don't know my ears were blocked because I can't think straight. Then I gave way again. Cried even harder again. Was very disappointed by myself for not able to do better for Maths which I thought I will. There I was crying hard and trying to stop the tears from flowing but all I do is just cry harder and harder and everyone was crowding as if I failed badly. But really I feel like a loser because EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW HOW YOUR HARDWORK WAS NOT PAID OFF FEELS LIKE. I think I spent a good 5 minutes crying hard and Mdm Hamidah hugging me and Ms Teoh standing there crying too. Okay both of them was crying I don't know why. And tried to collect my composure again and I was okay. I try to hold back hard.
I saw Joey and I approached her and she was crying and I feel like crying. I feel bad. I really wanna hug her but I don't know how to hug people without fearing feeling awkward. I really do wanna hug and console her because she was crying so bad. And because she did not do well, I feel bad because I really saw her studying and all those shits and she was the most hardworking person I've ever met in my life but as I said, results is always a bitch. And then Renuga, she tried to run away from me but I chased her. She just finish crying. She didn't wanna talk about her results but I pestered her. It sucks seeing all your close friends not getting what they want when they put in a lot of effort for their exams. I feel sad for them too. Because I spent 3 years with them, observed them closely, saw how they studied and how focused they get and everything. And at the end of the day if they don't get what they want, it sucks when they feel sad about it but all you wanna do it let them realize that they deserve more than this mockery to their intelligence because they are really hardworking and I'm not and I feel ashamed for getting better results than them. I'm not tryna be humble or what but it sucks. It's hard seeing them cry. Guys, if you ever see this, please acknowledge your effort because you deserve it.
By the way, congrats to Aishi for getting such good results omg.
Now I do not know what to do because all the courses that I'm eligible for sucks and its all some design thingy and I can't design shit nor do I wanna go in into media tech or what shit. I really don't know what to do. I feel lost and demotivated. If only my Maths was a C6, I could've been eligible for more courses and maybe some SP courses. For now, I'll say goodbye to all the courses offered by SP, my dream school. It sucks a thousand times. That explains why I locked myself up in my room because I disappoint myself and I need some time to recover from this disappointment and I kept crying inside. I didn't want any of my relatives to know because why are you guys so eager to know? Can't you get the hint that I really do not wanna tell anyone because its just that bad? I've been ignoring all the calls and messages on both whatsapp and my inbox but none of you can understand how to leave someone alone. I make it so obvious but you guys are so oblivious to it. Hate this so much.
Now I'm gonna just think that this is the path that god has planned for me, I guess.
Well atleast my Humanities I got an A2 which I was surprised becauuuuuse I kept failing my humanities so bad but I only decided to pick up pace like around August? And only started passing my social studies SBQ in late August also? Thank you Ms Tang Thank You Mr Kes. THANK YOU.
But really, maths is sucha bummer.
and i saw you today, you came
but its okay
i think i still like you
but its not the same anymore
i'm glad
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