Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard

What was it like to look at me and not wondering what had happened? What was it like to look at me and at least wonder why am I, too, avoiding you? How does it feel? Do you feel anything to when you look at me and gave a tiny smile? Up till today, I am still wondering, it never fades and I have no idea why. Maybe the feelings had somehow wavered along the way, and trust me, I hadnt been thinking about you that much but hey, I am still thinking about what have I done. Is it so hurtful towards you? Or i dont know. All i know i am crushed by the fact. I will try to not look at you anymore, I will lower my gaze, I will not try to be so hopeful of talking and giving a smile towards you anymore, no, no more. Our friendship is over because of my reckless act. I'm stupid for showing some kind of tiny weeny affection towards you that maybe you'd realised. Maybe thats why. But I miss our joke, I mean your teasings, your constant "eh hi Ayuni!" and the way your palms will land on my arms and your force pushing me leading me being annoyed and you will continue until its time for you to go. Hey, I still remember everything. I WILL always remember that wide grin of yours when you saw me at the corridor. Always will. Its one of the happiest smile that you ever gave to me. The one that could just melt my heart and I'll just go 'damn'. How i wish I could just look to you in the eyes and smile normally, but with these feelings, I can never be brave, EVER. I envy those friends of yours who are able to be around your company and jusyt seeing you smile and laugh and everything. Here i am stoll stuck in this stupid foolish zone of mine. I want to be your friend. Desperate? Yes. But honestly, I really want to. I just dont understand how you could change so fast in a single day and leave me hanging. I'm sorry.Sorry for knowing you, sorry for that day, sorry for jokingly slapping you hard on the face, sorry for smiling at you, sorry for all the things I didn't know that would lead to this. Till then, may you ace your O levels, may you be one of the top scorers and may you forgive me. Till then, till we meet again in the near future, or after we graduated. Goodbye. This may sound so solemn, but I'm saying this all out from what I feel, think and importantly from my heart. I am sorry. I truly do.